Develop an additional layer of ascularized adipose tissue and a fine, pearlescent covering of fur not unlike that of the common Harbor Seal and spend every Saturday afternoon lounging upon a rock outside my apartment aggressively barking at passerby.
Call Mom more often.
Buy a gym membership.
Go to the gym and do nothing apart from lounge in the corner, draped over the weight machines, and bark at people using the stairmaster.
Learn to tango.
Stop using so many semi-colons.
Internalize my failures in the form of a distant, toothless yet ever-present Spiny Dogfish so preternaturally sluggish that it has only a limited ability to chase me down and eat me as I slip artfully through the waves.